By Michael West
I have listened to several women saying “sex is not food,” and that they could do without it for the rest of their lives if not for the need to procreate. “Children, for me, is the basic reason I need a man. Otherwise, their wahala is way too much than the short moment of sexual enjoyment they offer.” A mother of two told me recently when she accompanied her friend to a counselling session.
Her friend had made up her mind to quit her marriage because, according to her, she’s suffering in silence over the years without her man caring about her emotional wellbeing. This week alone, I have spoken to a number of women experiencing a similar problem in their marriages. At some point, I decided to attend to the issue this week.
Going through my mailbox, I have several issues relating to poor and fitful sexual activities affecting many homes. In most of the cases I found out, women are the ones complaining. I have only three men out of 44 cases of sex-related issues I received between March and May 23, 2021.
Their complaints are mostly about poor erection, quick ejaculation, neglect for weeks or months without intimacy, refusal to explore new techniques to improve the act, and outright abandonment by their men while they chase after other women.
The men’s cases also vary. One complained that he usually experience erectile dysfunction only at home; the second man complained that he could not satisfy his woman in bed no matter how hard he tried, while the third complained that his wife is “stingy with her body” as she won’t allow him access whenever he so desired. “It is over three months now that I slept with my wife.
She even threatened to report that I raped her if I won’t let her be.” The man said he got to know through his wife that a man could be charged for rape in marriage. “I’m not the type that messes around with women. Otherwise, I would have had another relationship outside and abandon her.”
Among the feedback, a particular message is touching. It was sent by a woman who later called to explain further her situation. She has been married for 18 years but some years were spent in what she called “marital celibacy.” She revealed how for six years she feigned happiness that never existed in order to cover up for her man and maintain a semblance of a happy home.
Her words: “I never believed that marriage could be miserable for an ambitious woman like me until I experienced it. I entered into marriage with so much hope, excitement, and desire for fulfillment as a young woman. I lived a relatively decent life throughout my school years. I reserved my urges and affection for my future husband so I could enjoy my marriage to the fullest.
“Before I married, I only had sex due to naivety and deceit in what could easily be termed a rape or ‘induced sex’ because I was drugged through a drink by my boyfriend. He later apologised for his action but said he did it because I was not ready to allow him to have sex with me. The next man in my life 18 years after the incident is my husband.
“The first three years of my marriage was averagely exciting. After our second child, my man started keeping late nights by clubbing. Later, he began womanising to the extent of passing nights outside the home. This lasted for about four years until he contracted chronic sexually transmitted infections. As soon as I could no longer vouch for his decency, I didn’t allow him to have unprotected sex with me, and thank God I took that decision.
“As I write this mail, he is practically inactive as he couldn’t perform sexually again. He has spent so much money treating the infections which have not really improved his condition. To be honest with you, I have been without sexual intimacy for six years now which is due to no fault of mine. People say husband and wife signed “for better, for worse” deal but not when you deliberately went randy to hurt your partner, and then you expect the scorned, cheated partner to keep bearing the brunt of your reckless lifestyle. There’s a limit to human endurance. I’m tired, sir, and I want to quit.”
During our conversation, she explained that she suspected that her husband may have been harmed by one of her numerous girlfriends using diabolical powers.
According to her, she heard her husband telling one of his friends during a telephone conversation that a particular woman had vowed to deal with him in a way he will regret having anything to do with her.
“Sir, if you see my husband outside, you will think he’s a perfectly healthy man. I guess he got infected by the woman and he angrily confronted her. It led to serious acrimony that they threatened each other. It will be seven years next November that we had sexual intimacy last as a couple. I have been carrying the cross ever since; and, I’m now tired and too weak to continue. Therefore, I need to move on. I have just a life to live. I have tried enough.
“In all of this, he’s not remorseful. He’s seriously bitter about his health condition. He couldn’t open up to those that could help him. I have told him that I was tired and I will move on anytime soon,” she said, adding that her husband was not bothered about her notice.
She declined to link me up with her husband for us to talk and see if help can be accessed. She said her man is so secretive. “I don’t want her troubles, sir. Even her family members are not aware of his condition. They’re aware that we have issues but the depth of our problem is not known to them. They think it is the normal misunderstanding that couples do have. I’m sure they will know more when I quit.”
This woman is just one of many women who are squaring up to their emotional challenges quietly. Strong and principled women have “fallen” into extramarital affairs due to the vulnerable condition they found themselves in as a consequence of their ordeal. It takes the abundant grace of God in such precarious situations to trudge through the fainting moments. Indeed the spirit is willing but the flesh is so weak to carry through.
The reality is that both sexes do experience such challenges. Several men, including supposed “strong men”, are wailing in their closets as a result of what they go through under their roofs. It is not every “happy couple” that are truly happy. Many are mere packaging and make-believe. You need to work on your emotional life by upgrading your sex life for your happiness and fulfillment. Beyond sex, attitudinal and character modification is essential. Like I counselled the woman, all hope is not lost if she could convince her man to seek help and counselling from experts.
Without sex, there’s no deep bonding among couples. Sex makes the difference between friends and spouses. It is the only secret act that couples do without a witness. It is the right enjoyed by two legitimate partners. It has both health and emotional benefits. Likewise, sex lightens mood, softens anger, diffuses tension, makes couples bond stronger after quarreling moments and, it is an ordained source of procreation where Godly seeds are brought forth.