How Church can handle domestic violence in marriages

IT IS TIME FOR THE CHURCH TO ARISE AND DEAL WITH DOMESTIC ABUSE IN MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES

Ven Dr. Adeyemi Agbelusi

FICMC, FMIArb, FAMINZ(Arb/Med), FCIArb

(Accredited Mediator and Independent Arbitrator)

Intimate partner violence is prevalent throughout the world.  When wives are abused emotionally, financially, verbally and most debasingly physical abuse, they are faced with the decision whether to remain in their marriages, possibly at the risk of their lives or harm to their children.  This decision is particularly difficult when they believe that they might be disobeying God by ending the marriage. 

 God’s covenantal design for marriage is broken by abuse, and Scripture does not mandate that an abused wife must remain married to an abuser; therefore, the body of Christ is called to model God’s compassion toward abused women through effective strategies designed to meet the needs of women who are trying to escape abusive relationships.  

God designed marriage to be a covenantal relationship through which spouses could experience companionship, physical relationships, respect, love, and caring.  On the contrary, abuse and neglect are condemned by Scripture and can break the marriage covenant.  When this happens, divorce may be permitted due to the hard-heartedness of the abuser and as legal protection for the abused.  Nevertheless, in the face of abuse, divorce is a complex decision that requires physical, spiritual, and emotional support. 

This provides an opportunity for the body of Christ to execute effective church discipline educate clergy and congregations about abuse, accept ministries of reconciliation and advocacy, provide safety for abused women and their children, and offer Christian counseling that reflects a biblical view of abuse within marriage.

Reports on Abuse

The daily social media accounts of abused wives call attention to the very real epidemic of abuse.  The U.S. Department of Justice (2000) reported that “intimate partner violence is pervasive.  Approximately 25% of women surveyed were physically assaulted and/or raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.  In a 10‑country study of domestic violence against women, the World Health Organization (2009) found that 15% to 71% of women disclosed sexual or physical violence by a partner or husband.  These statistics underscore the prevalence of intimate partner abuse, which counselors will likely encounter in their practices.  

It is imperative for Christian counselors to have a biblical answer for abused wives who feel caught in the dilemma of how to obey God and yet preserve their very lives.  God’s covenantal design for marriage is broken by abuse, and Scripture does not mandate that an abused wife must remain married to an abuser; therefore, the body of Christ is called to model God’s compassion toward abused women through effective strategies designed to meet the needs of women who are trying to escape abusive relationships.

God established the permanence of marriage relationship

God established the permanence of the marriage relationship when He declared, “For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, New American Standard Bible).  The Hebrew word azav, translated as leave, is often translated as forsake (Fruchtenbaum, 2009, p. 88). 

Although azav frequently characterized Israel’s rejection of a covenantal relationship with God, it was used positively in Genesis 2:24, with the man rejecting parental emotional ties to seek emotional fulfillment with his wife.  The Hebrew word dabaq, translated as cleave, literally means “to stick like glue” (Fruchtenbaum, 2009, p. 88).  

In Deuteronomy, this word often signified maintaining a covenant.  The Hebrew phrase basar echad, translated as one flesh, connotes a compound unity, with the man and woman becoming one.  Genesis 2:24 is the foundation of the New Testament teaching in Matthew 19 and Mark 10, upon which Jesus elaborated, “consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh.”  Like the Hebrew phrase for one flesh, the Greek phrase sarx mia connotes the new relationship that is created through the marriage union, which signifies a unitary existence (Brown, 1979, Vol. 1, p. 678).

God’s intentions for marriage are embodied in the context of a covenantal relationship.  Hugenberger (1994) argued that four essential components comprise an understanding of covenant in the Old Testament: “1) a relationship 2) with a non‑relative 3) which involves obligations and 4) is established through an oath” (p. 215).  In Genesis 2:24, the man and the woman became one flesh via sexual union.  Sexual union is an oath‑sign, like giving a handshake or eating together, which depicts the covenant commitment of one flesh.

God used the metaphor of marriage when He modeled in His covenantal commitment to mankind.  When God makes a covenant, He offers promises, assumes responsibilities, and identifies obligations to be fulfilled by His covenant partners (Eilts, 1995, pp. 444-445).  

This ensures that the covenant is good for both God and His covenant partners.  In fact, “a common thread in all of God’s covenants is a promise of deliverance and well‑being, liberation from suffering, persecution, or oppression” (Eilts, 1995, p. 445).  In God’s covenantal relationship with Israel, He committed to be their God (Alexander & Baker, 2003, p. 154).  In exchange, Israel committed to keeping Yahweh’s commandments (Deuteronomy 5-26).  These obligations expressed love and loyalty to God (Alexander, 1997; as cited in Alexander & Baker, 2003). 

Love is more than feeling, sentiment

Love is more than mere feelings or sentiment but is expressed in actions that reflect that love.  Similarly, God’s intentions for the marriage relationship are companionship and mutual help (Genesis 2:18), an ongoing physical relationship that comprises one flesh relationship (Genesis 2:24), and mutual respect, love, and caring (Ephesians 5:21-33) (Brown, 1979, Vol. 3, p. 539).

Jesus admonished His hearers not to deviate from God’s design for marriage: “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9).  In the context of marriage, the Greek word chorizo, translated as separate, has the connotation of dividing that which is indissoluble because the man and the woman become one living being (Brown, 1979, Vol. 2, p. 349). 

This partnership cannot be dissolved without damaging its partners.  Yet, Jesus recognized the possibility for the marriage covenant to be broken and challenged His hearers to appraise their own lives to consider any action that might break apart that which God joined together (Brown, 1979, Vol. 3, pp. 539‑540).

Abuse and neglect break the marriage covenant.  The Lord described the man’s companion as his wife by covenant and warned him not to deal treacherously with her (Malachi 2:14-15).  The Hebrew word bagad, translated as treacherously, denotes unfaithfulness to the covenant (Harris, Archer, & Waltke, 1980, p. 90).  Conversely, when the man is faithful to the covenant, he fulfills his obligations to his wife.  According to Luck (1987, pp. 31-37), the man’s obligations include provision for his wife’s physical needs, protection of her reputation, and protection from abuse. 

Provision for physical needs includes food, clothing, and conjugal rights (Exodus 21:10).  Exodus 21 is traditionally not cited in connection with marriage because it refers to a slave or concubine with whom the master has a one-flesh relationship.  Luck (1987) argued a fortiori that although Scripture does not delineate similar rights for a full wife, it is reasonable to assume that God’s care for a lesser status one flesh partner would, at the very least, be applicable to a full wife (i.e., a free woman would not have fewer rights than a slave).  In Deuteronomy 22:10, the husband was fined for publicly defaming his wife. 

This verse established the husband’s obligation not to ruin his wife’s reputation.  Exodus 21 established penalties for personal injuries.  For example, a master is not to strike a slave’s eye or knock out a slave’s tooth (Exodus 21:26). 

Abuse and neglect, intertwined

 Using the same a fortiori argument as above, Luck (1987) argued that a man must never beat his wife.  Furthermore, it does not make sense that God would care about the wife’s reputation and then care nothing about her body.  It is also persuasive to consider that if the penalty for striking parents was death (Exodus 21:15), it seems incongruous to consider that there would be absolutely no consequence for striking a wife.

Scripture condemns abuse and neglect in all its forms.  The Bible vigorously condemns violence (Kroeger & Nason‑Clark, 2001, p. 77).  God abhors and denounces violent behavior, which is evidence of sin that brings God’s judgment.  Because of violence, God destroyed the earth (Genesis 6:11-13).  The Lord’s soul hates “the one who loves violence” (Psalm 11:5). 

Wickedness stirred up God’s anger (Ezekiel 7:3); in His pronouncement of punishment for wickedness, He declared that “violence has grown into a rod of wickedness” (Ezekiel 7:11).  Proverbs characterized the violent as wicked (Proverbs 4:14-17) and treacherous (the Hebrew word bagad, meaning unfaithful, as noted above) (Proverbs 13:2).

Abuse perverts the image of God (Tracy, 2005, pp. 27-35).  Instead of nurturing, sustaining, and enhancing a wife’s God‑given craving for love and affection, physical abuse distorts God’s image of responsible dominion in a most destructive way.  Neglecting to provide for a wife’s physical needs distorts God’s functional image to care for His creation.  

Thus, a man who neglects to provide for the needs of his household is described as one who has “denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).  Furthermore, verbal abuse distorts God’s image by failing to create life through words.  “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).  “A soothing [healing] tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:14).”

The Pentateuch holds the lives of men and women, slave and free, Israelite and foreigner, born and unborn, to be of utmost value.  Each is an image of God, to be respected, protected, and actively loved” (Alexander & Baker, 2003, p. 94).

How God responds to abuse

God’s response to abuse is reflected in His strong statement in Malachi 2:16 that He hates “him who covers his garment with wrong.”  The Hebrew word chamac, translated as wrong in the NASB, is most often translated as violence (KJV; NIV; RSV) (Harris et al., 1980, p. 297).  However, the Old Testament usually connected chamac with sinful violence.  Hugenberger (1994, p. 75) presented the older view of garment as a biblical image of clothing to suggest an outward expression of man’s inner state. 

For example, “pride is their necklace; the garment of violence covers them” (Psalm 73:6); “he clothed himself with cursing as with his garment” (Psalm 109:18); and “on your skirts is found the lifeblood of the innocent poor” (Jeremiah 2:34).  Thus, for a man to cover his garment with wrong includes both the action of violence and an abusive inner state, which violates the covenant of marriage.

When the marriage covenant is broken through abuse and neglect, the abused wife may be faced with the dilemma of whether Scripture supports her decision to leave the marriage.  Most women enter marriage with the expectation of a lifelong commitment and an understanding that biblical grounds for ending a marriage only include adultery, desertion by an unbelieving spouse, or death. 

Is their only recourse for this abuse to pray that God would look down from heaven, see their affliction, and cause their husbands to leave or die?  Some New Testament texts appear to support this understanding of marriage:  Whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity or immorality, commits adultery (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9).  However, if an unbelieving spouse leaves, let him leave (1 Corinthians 7:15).  A married woman is bound to her husband while he is alive (Romans 7:2), and she “should not leave her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:10).

Understanding “Until death do us part”

For women with strong faith, “the promise before God to stay together until death do us part” (Nason‑Clark, 2004, p. 304) creates greater vulnerability when they are abused.  These religious women sometimes feel that they are not allowed to leave because they believe that marriage is forever regardless of how cruel their husbands may treat them, even if their lives are endangered (Kroeger & Nason‑Clark, 2001, p. 36).  

In fact, religious victims have a higher level of commitment to remain in their marriages than non‑religious victims:

One study found that the average length of marriage for religious victims was 11.4 years compared to 8.6 years for non‑religious victims.  In the case of religious victims, the abuse had continued for an average of 9.4 years, whereas for non‑religious victims the figure was 7.4 years.  The religiosity of the victims bore no relationship to the severity of the abuse (Horton, Wilkins, & Wright; as cited in Roberts, 2008, p. 42).

In contrast to this religious commitment to an abusive marriage, Instone-Brewer (2003, p. 83) argued that not all marriages can be rescued, and Scripture does not provide a lifetime guarantee for all marriages.  This is evidenced by the wording in Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:9, “let no man separate,” which is contrasted with the common understanding of these verses, “no one can separate” (Instone‑Brewer, 2003, p. 84).  Even though the dissolution of a marriage is very undesirable, these texts imply that it can end.

Why Jesus was silent on abuse

Yet, some have argued that if Jesus considered neglect and abuse to be valid grounds for ending a marriage, He would have said something about them (Instone‑Brewer, 2003, pp. 95‑96). What can be concluded about Jesus’ silence on this matter?

There were no debates about the validity of neglect and abuse as grounds for divorce in any Jewish literature, for the same reason that there are none about the oneness of God:  these principles were unanimously agreed on.  Rather than indicating that Jesus did not accept the validity of divorce for neglect and abuse, his silence about it highlights the fact that he did accept it, like all other Jews at that time (Instone-Brewer, 2003, p. 96).

Furthermore, “the mission of the Incarnate One included freeing the oppressed” (Sider, 2005, p. 47).  In Luke 4:17‑21, Jesus informed His hearers that Isaiah’s prophetic words about “preach[ing] the Gospel to the poor…proclaim[ing] release to the captives…recover[ing] sight to the blind…set[ting] free those who are downtrodden” were fulfilled in Himself.  Sider (2005) argued that Isaiah’s words about releasing the captives and setting the downtrodden free unquestionably refer to physical captivity and oppression.  Jesus’ ministry corresponded to Isaiah’s prophecy, and He spent a great deal of time ministering to despised women, lepers, and other marginalized people.

What Jesus did condemn in the Matthew 19 discussion with the Pharisees was any cause of divorce (divorce on trivial grounds) as an invalid and unbiblical way to end a marriage (Roberts, 2008, p. 86).  Roberts (2008, pp. 39-41) made the distinction between treacherous divorce and disciplinary divorce, arguing that it is only treacherous divorce that God hates. 

Treacherous divorce occurs when a spouse divorces without biblical grounds (i.e., discarding a spouse for an insignificant or no reason).  Disciplinary divorce is a disciplinary tool that withdraws marriage privileges from a spouse who breaks the marriage covenant through adultery, abuse, abandonment, or harmful neglect. 

Justified divorce

Another name for disciplinary divorce is justified divorce.  However, many Christians may fear that by accepting the notion of a justified divorce, the floodgates of excuses to divorce will open.  Roberts (2008, p. 41) clarified that she does not intend to imply that Christians can separate as the result of light offenses or transitory incidents.

Even with repeated abuse and heavy offenses, the believer should make every effort to call the abuser to repent (Roberts, 2008, p. 41).  “Often the best hope for abusers to repent and change their ways is for them to experience painful consequences they cannot escape no matter how much they cajole, threaten, or manipulate” (Tracy, 2011, p. 6) (e.g., arrest, wife, leaving, ostracism or separation from the church).  Without painful consequences, there is little motivation for the abuser to change.  On the other hand, painful consequences may lead an abuser to repentance.

Roberts (2008, p. 41) argued that it is important to understand that most abuse victims make many attempts to reconcile their relationships before seeking a pastor or professional’s help.  Often the victim has borne too much, too long, and the abuse pattern is deeply entrenched.  Unrepentant abusers have darkened understanding and hardened callous hearts.  When this is the case, the believer is forced to accept that an unrepentant partner irreparably broke the marriage covenant (Wenham, Heth, & Keener, 2006, p. 112).

Jesus responded to the Pharisees’ question about why Moses commanded to give a divorce certificate (Matthew 19:7) by correctly distinguishing that divorce was not commanded, but was permitted due to hardness of heart, even though it was not that way from the beginning (Keener, 1991, p. 42).  In essence, Jesus communicated that allowing divorce conceded to human weakness. 

This principle interprets the law with compassion:  Jesus is making the point that Moses conceded to divorce because legal protection for someone divorced against will is the best that could come from hard‑hearted people.  If they were open to God’s ways and compassionate, He could have required them to keep his original, ideal standard of not initiating divorce.  It is consistent to assume that God would provide the same compassionate, legal protection for an abused wife.

How God responds to the oppressed

Scripture confirms that God responds in compassion to the oppressed.  God is a rock, refuge, shield, horn of salvation, and saviour who saved David from violence (2 Samuel 22:3).  God delivered David from his strong enemy and those who hated him and were too mighty for him and rescued him from the violent man (Psalm 18:17, 48).  Solomon declared that God crushes the oppressor, delivers the needy when they cry for help, and rescues their lives from oppression and violence (Psalm 72:4, 12-14). 

God sets free those who are doomed to death (Psalm 102:20).  God executes justice for the oppressed and sets prisoners free (Psalm 146:7). God loosens the bonds of wickedness, undoes, and breaks every yoke, and lets the oppressed go free (Isaiah 58:6).

If God is so compassionate toward the oppressed, why does He hate divorce (Malachi 2:16)?  In other words, why would He hate the very thing that would liberate an abused woman from her oppressor?  “He knows from personal experience how much pain results from it” (Instone‑Brewer, 2003, p. 42). 

God’s criticism is not against the legal process or a person who divorces; otherwise, He would have to criticize Himself for divorcing Israel.  God hates the treachery or faithlessness of breaking the marriage covenant.  However, it is important to distinguish that the person who breaks the marriage covenant is the abuser, not the wronged person who enacts a divorce. 

Continued abuse or neglect can result in physical and emotional damage, and continued unfaithfulness destroys the credibility of the institution of marriage.  Even though divorce has terrible consequences for both partners, remaining married is often worse.

Factors that lead to divorce

In their study of 15 divorced, formerly battered, women, Haj‑Yahia & Eldar‑Avidan (2001), examined the factors that contributed to a decision to divorce an abusive husband.  Intrapersonal factors included the personal strength and empowerment gained in coping with violence, efforts to preserve self-confidence despite the abuse, intensification of violence, and combating damage to children.  Interpersonal factors primarily focused on concern for children. 

Structural‑organizational factors emphasized the rights of women and divorcees, access to money, employment, and support from governmental agencies.  Factors that hindered their decision were past failed attempts to leave, fear of the spouse’s violent reaction, lack of support from the family of origin, and cultural stigma. 

Underlying the many factors that helped them to implement the decision to divorce was the physical and emotional support they received from various sources.  This study underscores the complexity of the divorce decision and the need for the body of Christ to support abused women.

In the case where both spouses claim to be Christians, church discipline (Matthew 18) is an important part of the decision to divorce in the face of marital abuse (Roberts, 2008, pp. 48‑49).  This gives both parties a chance to present their sides of the story.  If the alleged abuser is unwilling to present his viewpoint, a decision is made on the available evidence. 

Sadly, church discipline is not always used in a biblical way.  “Sometimes churches use the principle of discipline in a grace‑less way:  by breaching confidentiality, demonstrating fleshly bias, or viewing restoration of the marriage as more important than restoring individuals” (Roberts, 2008, p. 48).  Sometimes they accuse the wrong person or reject them because they have failed to investigate the matter sufficiently. 

When Christian leaders have an underdeveloped theology of sin and its devastation, they are unable to offer needed help.  Conversely, when victims receive a fair hearing, with a just determination, it can provide peace of mind to move forward to rebuild their lives.  Unfortunately, church discipline rarely happens.  

Furthermore, the church is often unaware of the abuse.

According to Tracy (2007), due to clergy mismanagement and misunderstanding of domestic violence, only a small percentage of women view clergy as helpful for abuse victims.  Abused women are often told by clergy that they should submit to abusive husbands, even when submission fails to stop the abuse. 

Instead of condemning abuse as sinful and unacceptable, clergy are often silent from the pulpit on this issue.  Even worse, clergy consistently underestimate the prevalence of domestic violence, especially in their congregations (e.g., according to Wirthlin Worldwide (1999), as cited by Tracy (2007), in Maricopa County, Arizona, 42% of 600 abused women surveyed attend religious services on a weekly basis).  

Because clergy naïvely believe that an abusive man will change in response to a wife’s submission, they are often more concerned about preserving the marriage.  Sadly, some clergy even go so far as to partially blame women for the abuse.  To counteract these problems, clergy must educate themselves and their congregations on all aspects of abuse, especially the qualities of abusive men. 

Clergy need to recognize the importance of networking with other professional and community resources to address the needs of abuse victims.  The clergy must also work with other leaders to hold batterers responsible for their abuse.  Victims of abuse and their children must be protected and considered a priority.  By making these important changes, clergy can provide healing and help for domestic violence victims.

The challenge to the church is to awake from its passivity in failing to recognize abuse and intervene on behalf of victims.  It calls the body of Christ to nourish and struggle along with victims.  This achieves a balance of justice and love that is sorely missing in our world.  This radical ministry of reconciliation is not tidy or safe but takes the risk to serve as a mediator.

Like the outrage expressed by the Old Testament prophets, the church must become indignant over abuse within Christian marriages.  The church must act to “deliver those who are being taken away to death, and those who are staggering to slaughter” (Proverbs 24:11).

When the church steps forward to model God’s compassion to abused women, an urgent issue is a need for safety (Nason-Clark, 1997, pp. 119-121).  Safety includes the care of the physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being of the abuse victim and her children. 

Safety also includes a response setting that will not only meet the woman’s needs but also provide safety for anyone who offers her assistance.  Emotional safety is created when the woman can talk without being judged or condemned.  One dilemma is that male clergy may have a difficult time providing a haven for a woman who was abused by a man.  This creates the need for women to be available for this ministry.  Specifically, clergy must offer practical assistance that includes a safety plan, safe housing, and assistance with financial needs (Tracy, 2011, p. 5).

The prevalence of abuse suggests that counselors may often have the privilege and challenge to work with abused clients to develop strategies to rebuild their lives. The priority in counseling victims of abuse is to develop a safety plan.  When providing therapy for victims of abuse, counselors will address the toxic shame, powerlessness, deadness, isolation, brokenness, lack of intimacy, and unforgiveness that are among the devastating consequences of abuse (Tracy, 2005).  “Nothing can generate clouds of toxic shame like abuse” (Tracy, 2005, p. 76). 

Because shame is a major component of abuse, it is imperative that Christian counselors have a biblical perspective of abuse within marriage.  Given the power differential in the counseling relationship, the counselor’s suggestion that an abused wife is disobeying God by leaving her husband will only add to the massive shame with which she already struggles.  Conversely, allowing the abused client to experience God’s compassion in the therapeutic relationship promotes the healing of the abuse.

In conclusion, domestic violence is a prevalent and devastating reality that the body of Christ, in general, and Christian counselors must address.  Scripture makes it clear that God’s original design for marriage was a permanent union between husband and wife.  Within the context of this covenantal relationship, a husband can lovingly provide for his wife’s physical needs, protect her reputation, and protect her from abuse. 

When he fails to do that and instead neglects and abuses her, he breaks the marriage covenant.  Even though God hates divorce because of the pain it causes, He is compassionate toward victims of abuse and permits a certificate of divorce.  God’s compassion compels the body of Christ to also respond compassionately to the needs that are created because of abuse.  In doing so, broken victims of abuse are given the opportunity to heal and rebuild their lives.

Need for professional counsellors

There is a need for the Clergy and Churches to involve professional counsellors, Law enforcement, lawyers, accredited mediators, trauma and behavioural therapists, family life practitioners, clinical psychologists, and possible psychiatrists and other professionals to address the menace of abuse and bring the full array of available resources to bring reconciliation, support, and solutions to victims of this malaise. The scriptures advocate that faith and works must work together and this must be the strategy for reducing the prevalence of dysfunctional families.

Training on emotional intelligence, conflict management, interpersonal skills, active listening, and empathy is some of the life skills that will also assist members to equip themselves to practically deal with the challenge of marriage and raising godly families. Pastors must draw on these resources to augment their ministry and build their members spiritually and mentally in addition to prayers and Biblical teachings. 

 

References

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