By Michael West
Divorce is a consequence of hard-line positions or extreme decisions necessitated by acrimony, threats to life and irreconcilable differences between a warring couple. That’s why Jesus said in Matthew 19: 8 that Moses permitted divorce among the Israelites because of the “hardness of their hearts.” This simply means that the refusal to rescind decisions to give room for reconciliation and forgiveness often results in divorce.
The stay-in-door order occasioned by the coronavirus pandemic appeared to be a catalyst for bonding and intimacy between husbands and their wives. A piece of cheering news is that some readers of this column are now expectant mothers. Thank God for the pandemic that forcefully put ‘always-on-the-move’ guys on lockdown for four months.
Some shaky homes before the lockdown are now stronger and solidly bonding. Squabbles and intolerance have largely been defeated among couples that truly wanted to keep their homes. Likewise, not a few fitful relationships have become stable during the forced holiday. As at today, several unmarried adults and single parents are itching for new relationships. The dilemma I notice is that long-distance is not helping matters for some of those that are being hooked up for a relationship.
Divorce: A man wants reconciliation
Early in the week, a man sought my opinion on the appropriateness or otherwise of his contemplation to seek reconciliation with his divorced wife. He confirmed that his separated spouse has not remarried. He desires to know if it is not unlawful to reconcile after about four years of divorce because he is planning to give it a trial.
In my understanding, the decision to reconcile is entirely theirs provided the ex-wife is equally willing to agree with the move. According to the man, his marriage failed because his wife was recalcitrant and didn’t care a hoot about his threats to divorce. “Sometimes one’s action may not have much to do with the problem at hand but the action may be a response to the nonchalant or daring attitude of your partner.
“We have never engaged in brawls or physical combats despite the frequent nagging and verbal assaults occasioned by our opposing views and hard-line positions. Altercations were common features of our conversations. Her disposition would easily portray her as not being submissive but in reality, she’s not. Incidentally, her candour, dispassionate assessment of issues and boldness were actually the traits that endeared her to me. These same charming traits later became the major issues that eventually led to our separation.
“She was not involved in infidelity or suspected to be unfaithful, she is not materialistic or excessively demanding. Even when we were in court for divorce, she didn’t inform her parents about the development. Her siblings got to know almost a year after we have separated. She is too strong-willed and not easily moved by anything. Despite my threats to go for divorce, she didn’t beg or seek to know the reason or reasons for my decision. She appeared unperturbed. In fact, our two children didn’t know that we have divorced. She told them that I went on Sabbatical. The thing really hurt me. Can you imagine how insensitive she could be!
“Mr. West, I eventually went for divorce to prove a point to her. It is now four years after and I think I want my home back. Life outside of marriage is unsatisfying, vulnerable, unorganized and sometimes harrowing. Her strong personality that enamoured me back then later became irritating to me. After a careful reassessment of the situation, I decided to see if I still have the chance to undo what I did in furious moments some years ago and regain my home.”
I asked if he is now ready to cope with his wife’s “strong personality” in case she agrees to reunite with him. His response was rather puzzling than emphatic. “I believe that both of us have learnt one or two lessons since we lived apart from each other. Truly I’m the willing type but I hope she would equally modify her character in a way that would engender a peaceful cohabitation.”
When I demanded a straightforward answer to the question, he said “eeem, well, as I said, I’m the initiator of reconciliation, that implies that I’m ready to take her for who she is. Hmmm. I do sincerely hope she won’t remain the same this time around.”
This development gladdens my heart and I offered to reach out to his madam to know if the door is still open to him for readmission. It took about three days to get her to speak with me but later responded to my SMS asking for an audience with her over the telephone. She sounded a very reserved but articulate type. After some jokes and light discussions, she relaxed and then willingly opened up.
“My husband needs to know that marriage is not meant for boys but strictly for mature men. I always asked him if he knew what he was going into when he proposed marriage to me. For real, he is a very pleasant, fun-loving guy, but he is not so discerning. Ask him, twice he would have been sacked at work due to his flabby and uncoordinated approach to corporate issues. On the two occasions, I helped me out by telling him how to go about it and thank God things worked out as expected. He has a clique of friends that hold jaundiced opinions about life. When you see a man coming home every day to remind you that ‘I’m the head of this family’ and he issues orders like a frustrated security guard, then, he is not worth responding to. That was the case with my man. I knew all along that he was being manipulated by a set of envious people around him.
“I was very sure that he would later regret his action and retrace his steps. That was the reason I kept the divorce issue away from everybody including our family members. Sir, I must be honest with you, he is a very plain-minded man and his mischievous friends were manipulating his naivety to feather their own nests. Two of these men he now sees as his bosom friends actually worked against him from attaining his current position at work. Thank God they failed. I rather feel for him than be angry with him over his impromptu decision to seek divorce at that time.
“I’m not a difficult woman but I can’t stand a man who is my husband to be a pun in the hands of manipulators. Every attempt to open his eyes to the palpable danger in some of his irrational decisions turned out to cause quarrels between us. If he is ready to change and be a man he ought to be I will give his request a thought. He knew how we started. I wasn’t really ready when he goaded me into marriage because he said ‘I can’t risk losing you to another man.’ What I met in him after marriage made me to firm up to save him from problems at work as well as save our marriage from being ruined by external interference.
“Maybe he didn’t tell you, you are the third person he would approach to talk to me. I will think about it now because it appears he’s truly serious. I will consult my lawyer, and I will get back to you, sir. If I say I’m surprised that this is happening, it is a mere statement of courtesy. I know him too well that we will get to this point. Thanks for your time with me, sir. I appreciate you for the noble work you’re doing. God bless you.”
I publish this encounter to encourage people in a similar situation in their marriages. Peace be with you.
Quote:
“It is now four years after and I think I want my home back. Life outside of marriage is unsatisfying, vulnerable, unorganized and sometimes harrowing. Her strong personality that enamoured me back then later became irritating to me.”
