Greetings to all. I pray this meets you in a fine fettle. Praise God, hallelujah.
Today, I will continue the series, Counting the Cost, which began three weeks ago, but we shall be sharing on the marriage estate; all the issues around marriage -children, money, in-laws, friends, religion, extended family members, religious leaders, ethnicity, race, education, you name it. This a huge topic, isn’t it?
I realized that this sermon has to run for at least, three or four weeks to do justice to the subject.
Even at that, we might still not be able to cover the subject effectively because it’s so fundamental to human existence, wellbeing and success.
For more than 50 years, marriage has crossed my mind regularly; it’s been in and out of my thoughts like a recurring decimal.
Therefore, I decided to deal with the subject, in the context of the cost elements as I have been teaching in this series.
Let me lay the foundation with some 12 nuggets pertaining to marriage as listed below.
Before you get married, hereunder are some major things to ponder, regardless of your race, tribe, religion, gender, education, social status, etc. Consider the following after you have settled the desire to marry in your mind-
1: You may not know how hot or cold tea is, by merely looking at the cup of tea until you sip it. In other words, the taste of the pudding is in the eating. Love, no matter how strongly it is professed, can’t really be determined until it goes through the crucible of fire.
That’s how marriage is. You cannot know your partner well enough, until you become very close; live together and taste each other .Character is revealed over time.
2: Marriage is a long voyage of discovery. You can only see the beginning, you can’t know how it would end.
3: The only enterprise that yields profit, regardless of how it turns out is marriage, because even if it ends in divorce, either party must have learned valuable lessons that would be useful in future engagements. It is a win, win situation.
4: There’s no holiday in marriage. There’s no recess either. You can’t ask your partner for a break, no matter how you might want to be alone momentarily for some reasons. You just have to keep trudging on like a wanderer, and hope to find your rhythm.
5: Marriage gives excellent lessons on leadership training that no learning institution could give you. A man or woman who cannot survive the challenges of keeping a home, might not be able to manage leadership crisis. Of course, there are very rare exceptions. Many may not be able to lead very well, if they are unable to manage a home successfully.
6: In any marriage, parting of ways often comes after a fight. There’s rarely any peaceful separation, no matter how couples try to disguise the pain.
7: Never throw your hat in the ring, if you’re not ready. This is very important. No experiment in marriage; no trial and error. Otherwise, you will face serious consequences.
8: Marriage requires some skill in diplomacy. You need tact to know how to keep a partner, especially when the going seems to be rough.
9: There’s no privacy in marriage. You require openness to enjoy each other’s trust. There’s hardly any strict red lines in a good marriage.
10: The strongest form of intimate relationship is in marriage.
11: Expect the unexpected in any time. Marriage could throw up some unpredictable circumstances.
12: Money is very, very important in marriage, but few openly admit it.
These should not be seen as a 12 commandments, it’s simply a guide to taking decisions concerning marriage; it’s about counting the cost of the conjugal relationship. All of the 12 items listed above are some of the major issues to be considered before going into marriage.
Let’s now look at marriage from the biblical perspective; how it all began and what God says about it.
Gen: 2:21-25-
21: ‘And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and the flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.’
Hallelujah! Interesting, you might say. There are lessons to be learned here in these Bible references quoted above:
1: The woman came out of the man, which shows that a woman met the man in the world and is therefore, the junior partner in creation.
2: Simple logic, the junior must submit to the senior, because she met him on earth and, more importantly, she is a part of him, she came out of him, as a byproduct. Since man is the senior partner in creation, she should submit to the man. That’s fair, isn’t it?
3: God brought the woman to Adam. God has a role to play in identifying your spouse. That’s what we see in this arrangement.
4: Little wonder, it was Adam who first spoke, saying, she is now the bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. Adam was the one who named her, in that first marriage ceremony, acting as the officiating minister, with God present, probably with Angels.
5: With Adam done with his assignment at this event, God now decreed that the man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife and they shall become, one flesh, husband and wife. Hallelujah!
6: Adam and Eve were both naked and they were not ashamed. That’s the concluding part of the marriage ceremony.
In the nuggets listed above, item 9 deals with privacy. No privacy in marriage; nothing should be hidden because, in any case, the Bible says, there’s nothing hidden that would not be known. Nothing is hidden from God, the father of all creation.
7: Adam called Eve the bone of my bones, the flesh of my flesh. He expressed his love for Eve, without Eve asking for it. This is probably why God commands men to love their wives. The man should always take the initiative in romance because that was how it was in the beginning.
8: God said, man should leave his parents to go cleave with his wife, and they shall be one flesh. What this says is that, marriage should take place outside the home of the in-laws.
A newly married couple ought not to live with either of their parents. A man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife. In-laws are not supposed to provide accommodations for newly married in their own homes. Couples are to settle down in their own homes, not any other place. That’s what God said.
Again, in-laws should not live with the couples in the homes of the young, married folks, no matter how long they have been married. Live-in in-laws, friends and family members, have a tendency to cause domestic problems. They are not supposed to share a home with couples. If God had allowed couples to share homes with in-laws, friends and relatives, he would have said so from the beginning.
The pattern God set is that, couples should live on their own without outside interference. Once this unspoken rule is breached, negative things happen, and otherwise successful marriages run into trouble.
9: Again, we see from the above scriptures, that God said, a man should leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, NOT wives. This shows clearly that God does not approve polygamy. If he wanted multiple marriages, he would have said so at very beginning when the foundation of marriage was laid, because he has foreknowledge. God knows the end from the beginning.
Polygamy is an aberration; it was the creation of fallen men, to satisfy the lustful desire caused by the sin nature. The culture of keeping concubines is an aberration as well, in the sight of God.
10: Still on this matter, God does not approve of concubines, or what we call side chicks today. It’s adultery, if extramarital affair occurs in marriage; it’s fornication if sex should occur before marriage. Sexual immorality is a consequence of the sin that occurred in the Garden of Eden. No matter how it is glamourized today, sexual activity is only lawful in marriage as far as God is concerned.
11: God said, Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed. Only your husband or wife is permitted by God, to see your nakedness, apart from medical personnel in the call of duty.
If you’re naked before anyone else other than your marital partner, it is a shame. God does not allow it. No matter how popular a sin becomes, it would not be endorsed by God. To be naked before anyone who is not your married partner is a shame and a sin, according to God.
12: Looking back again at couples; it’s wrong for a couple to move into the home of a friend, relatives or neighbours. They ought to have their own apartment before marriage.
This brings us to the issue of counting the cost. A man ought to have his own home before he gets married.
God’s command is that, a man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife in their new home. He cannot leave his parents and then go live with a relative, friend or associate, and cleave to his wife there. That’s wrong. It’s important to have your own home before you get married. Its part of the cost you bear in marriage.
God provided for a home, the Garden of Eden, for Adam and Eve before they got married. In fact, he gave them what to eat, even before they were made or created as it were.
You don’t get married and begin to struggle to have what to feed on, and how to maintain your family. That is wrong mindset. Provisions should come before marriage, not the other way round.
In the scriptures under review, we never saw Eve speak, even once. She kept quiet whilst Adam spoke. That’s a hallmark of humility and submission. Eve set the example here for other women to follow.
Modern day women speak while their husbands are speaking, creating a babel of voices and conflicts. A woman can speak, but it should be within the bounds of humidity, and submission, not contests and contestation.
This should suffice for the present teaching. The intension here today is to lay the foundation and, from next week, begin to teach on the various aspects of the marriage estate, God willing.
Ladi Ayodeji, Author, Gospel Minister, Marriage Counselor and Philosopher, can be reached on 09059243004, WhatsApp only.
