Good day everyone. It’s a good day, it’s a lovely day, hallelujah. This is the day the Lord has made, let’s rejoice and be glad in it, amen.
Last week, we shared on marital challenges in the second part of the series. I prayed for couples who are struggling in various areas of life in marriage.
Today, I want to pray against the spirit of divorce that is ravaging many homes around the world. Divorce seems to be the new normal nowadays; it’s no longer shocking like it was in the last generation when divorce was so rare, it actually was a taboo.
This prompted me to open this sermon with a short prayer against divorce.
A: SECTION 1
PRAYER AGAINST THE SPIRIT OF DIVORCE
Heavenly Father, we thank you for another opportunity to fellowship with you and our brethren online. We thank you for the opportunity to get married; it’s a privilege many don’t even have. Praise the Lord, hallelujah!
For those you have given the grace to marry, the Devil, the evil one, through diverse devices like external interference, by busy body friends, in-laws, colleagues and other sources, always seek to cause divisions and break marriages.
Father, we ask that you restrain all these folks and give couples the power to resist external forces of division in their lives in Jesus name, Amen.
We know that, pride, lack of forgiveness, stubbornness, greed, infidelity, are some of the causes of divorce, I rebuke these foul spirits in the lives of all couples struggling with divorce, in Jesus name, amen.
I ask that the spirit of reconciliation, which you brought to the world, prevail in troubled marriages and let the joy of the Lord, your joy, be their strength, in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, amen.
Yes, it’s done. I thank God for his mercies, which endures forever. I look forward to hearing testimonies of reconciliation and deliverance from divorce from our brethren. Glory to God in the highest, hallelujah!
Now, with that done, let’s look at the root causes of rampant divorce in the world today.
It’s basically because couples fail to count the cost. Why are cases of divorce, separation and marital challenges are on the rise today? It has to do with foundational issues, involving the cost elements, largely.
In my meditation over this issue, I realized that Red Flags are usually ignored during courtship before couples take the plunge into marriage. These are dealt with hereunder in this
section B:
B: SECTION 2
RED FLAGS DURING COURTSHIPS
1: Carelessness
The foremost reason for crisis in marriage comes from poor foundation, carelessness in the early days of courtship, leading ultimately to marriage.
Partners listen more to their hearts than their heads. What do I mean? Emotional intelligence ought to be employed adequately to check the true motives of a suitor, or future wife; every verbal declaration made by either party ought to be put to the test, to determine their veracity before they say, I do. This is because people change with circumstances.
Listen to this truth. Once a guy sleeps with a lady, her value tends to decline because he has seen it all. That’s the danger of sex before marriage.
Moreover, emotions run riot in the heat of desire, so much so that, due diligence is often ignored before commitments leading to marriage are made.
2: Menopause, Women Pressures
Another reason why Red flags are ignored by women during courtship is because they are usually under more pressure to get married, due to the fact that age is not always to their advantage.
So, they tolerate many things that, ordinarily, they wouldn’t accept, like smoking, lying, petty abuses such as mild forms of violence, slaps during arguments, unstable behaviors, bad temper, etc. Once marriage is consummated, it becomes very difficult to make partners kick these bad habits. Consequently, crisis erupts when issues manifest. Things begin to fall apart because red flags become a terrifying reality.
Women mature faster than men, and they worry about menopause, fading beauty, competition from younger ladies, etc. On account of these, they tend to fall easily for fake promises and prospects advanced by suitors and go into marriage with lukewarm commitment from potential husbands.
3: Full Disclosures
A lot of couples keep their private agendas secret until after marriage. Important matters like a child from former relationships, a hanging affair, unresolved dissolution of a previous marriage, and other relationship hangovers, could mar a marriage if they only become known after marriage.
Most partners would bear grudges if they feel deceived this way, and the logical consequences are usually dire. Therefore, I want to counsel that couples should make full disclosures before getting a partner’s commitment to marry, so they don’t feel conned. In fact, critical issues like true age, family ties, peculiar health challenges, number of children desired, religious affiliation, child sex preferences, and all such factors should be mutually agreed, not assumed, before marriage.
This is what counting the cost is all about. In the next section, we shall examine the other causes of divorce, having seen the foundation in this section.
C: SECTION 3
MAIN CAUSES OF DIVORCE TODAY
1: Cheating
Cheating, the more widely used word today for infidelity, is the biggest reason for divorce and breakup in most relationships, even from the stage of courtship.
Partners cheat without qualms today in most relationships that are experiencing challenges, preferring instead to seek temporary reliefs with another partner than endure distress with a wife, fiancé or fiancée.
This is the easy way out in the perception of many of today’s intolerant couples, because value systems have become lax, due to exposure through the social media, to decadent cultures.
Getting alternative willing partners have become cheap and very easy through dating sites, and WhatsApp groups of desperate, single, lonely fun seekers. So, nobody wants to die in a troubled relationship. Too bad! This alarming state of our civilization is very disturbing.
What is the root cause of infidelity? Most of the reasons have been dealt with in the preceding section. Simply put: failure to react to red flags by either couple. These cannot be overstated, but suffice to say that, couples are not realistic, for different reasons, before going into marriage. Unfulfilled expectations, wrong assumptions, shocking realties encountered as marriage progress become intolerable, and so, divorce becomes the logical imperative for many.
2: Third Party Interference
Most people allow undue interference in their marriages, which invariably leads to disharmony between couples. Intrusions by in-laws, friends, relatives, children from previous relationships, and all such, are causes of crisis that lead to divorce today.
Couples should able to manage their affairs without resorting to outsiders. A marriage is between two mature adults, who are sensible enough to handle their problems without interference. Some parents won’t allow this, some relatives want to get involved on account of blood ties. This is wrong!
Every bottle stands on it own bottom.
3: Neglect
Neglect is the third reason most couples suffer, and quarrel. It could be emotional neglect, failure to show love to a partner, lack of loving romantic gestures, like sexual pleasure, lack of care during personal challenges, etc.
These things might seem mundane, but they are important in creating stability in the home. Little expressions of love like phone calls, romantic messages via social media, words like, ‘I love you’, or missing you, matter a lot, especially to women.
4: Money
In the modern economy, money is a key factor in marriage. If there’s no money, the amity in homes are invariably upset, and the endurance capacity of women are easily stretched to the point that, they become disrespectful, nasty in some cases, and unfaithful, if financial hardship persists for too long.
You may believe it or not, women fall easily for seduction when they are in dire straits. Infidelity could easily occur when a woman can’t take care of her bills, if her husband is broke, or out of work.
These realities should not be undermined. This why single income homes are not ideal at all. It is a recipe for broken marriages.
5: Temptation
The fifth cause of divorce, in my view, is temptation. Many men and women in marriage are unable to resist external temptation, especially for sexual pleasure, whether that need is already met with legal partners or not. Some just want to have fun with another partner, just for variety sake, or to satisfy a carnal desire. This is due to lack of discipline and poor value systems.
We cannot completely identify all the reasons for breakdown of marriages and courtship in one sermon text. The matter is complex, and intriguing.
In the next section, I shall deal with five major factors to consider before you quit your marriage. I do not, by the way, recommend divorce, except in a case of adultery or when the life of a partner is threatened, but it’s my responsibility to let you know the implications of getting a divorce.
I will deal with these issues under the subheadings of,
Emotional burden, Payment of Bills, Legitimate Sexual Needs, Raising a family alone and Forgiveness.
D: SECTION 4
BEFORE YOU GO FOR A DIVORCE
There are many vital issues to consider before you to go for a divorce. Of course, the Bible forbids it, yet divorce is rampant today. It’s not the best option to take, unless in extreme cases, like when a partner is not willing to forgive the errant partner in the case of adultery.
As a preacher of righteousness, I am not unmindful of the fact that, divorce happens routinely today in many societies, including amongst born again Christians, ministers, and other church leaders. It becomes imperative therefore, to talk about this issue holistically.
In the preceding, I deliberately didn’t quote scriptures because, most of my observations on divorce were not taken from the Bible. They were mainly the ideas generated from my own experiences in life and ministry.
Here again, I want to draw attention to the implications of divorce.
1: Emotional Problems
This will certainly affect any spouse who has taken the divorce option.
No doubt, the reality of coping with the challenges of life alone without a spouse is truly daunting, especially if a woman has the custody of the children.
Single motherhood is not a pleasure ride, any honest mom in this league will tell you. A single mom normally faces emotional imbalance arising from the stress of daily living, the task of going it alone without someone to talk to, share thoughts with and manage domestic affairs with.
In some traditional societies like we have here in Nigeria, a single mom will have to contend with the stigma of divorce at work places, religious settings, communities, extended family gatherings, and other social interactions.
There’s also the trauma of sudden single life that is inevitable, even for the strongest mom. Loneliness has many disadvantages too numerous to mention.
Anyone contemplating divorce should think about these issues, especially a woman who intends to have the custody of the children.
Single fathers suffer almost the same way as single moms. Losing a partner suddenly has an array of disadvantages even if you’re a very strong man.
Invariably, you lose the company of your children, having a woman beside you, sleeping alone without emotional comfort that a wife gives, all of these would take a heavy toll on the mental balance of any man.
2: Bills
What about bills? Before you leave your spouse, you have to be ready to be the sole bread winner. For a woman with children, it’s even more difficult to cope with daily expenses. Children have a lot of bills like school fees, clothing, medical care, mobility, toys, that parents contend with.
A man would be forced to pay alimony in some organized societies, and this could deplete their hard earned fortunes. Many husbands have gone bankrupt as a result of huge divorce settlements.
It’s necessary, therefore, to calmly count the cost of divorce before you decide to go for it.
3: Sexual Needs
We all have sexual needs as adults. For Christians, sex could only happen inside marriage, otherwise, it becomes illegitimate, as far as God is concerned.
This is a serious issue for a genuine Christian. Being without a spouse exposes one to the temptations of adultery. It is very difficult for anyone to be celibate for too long, if they have been sexually active in the past.
A divorcee is likely to have multiple sex partners because casual relationships are never taken seriously by those involved because of lack of long term commitments.
This is not good for the moral health of the children that are caught in this vicious circle. Promiscuity, which often ensues amongst single parents, come with a barrage of problems like exposure to sexually transmitted diseases, spiritual pollution, the sin of lasciviousness, etc.
4: Raising a Family
The task of raising a good family is often a joint responsibility between couples. No broken home breeds balanced children, except in exceptional cases.
Society suffers when homes produce children that are not properly raised and nurtured. Most of today’s criminals, drug addicts and deranged folks are products of broken homes. Nobody wants to have a share of that.
Children are best raised in good family settings that are constituted in the fear of God.
When children are raised in functional homes under good parenting, they become assets to the larger society, and to themselves as well.
5: Lack of Forgiveness
Apparent lack of forgiveness is the main reason for single parenting arising from divorced couples.
When one fails to forgive, they live in bitterness, pain, and disobedience to a key commandment of God: forgive those who offend you, as God forgives you.
For, this is the most important setback a divorcee would ever suffer: hindrances to prayer, according to 1 Peter 3:2, referring to couples.
Jesus declared in the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6:15), that if you don’t forgive, it’s a sin.
I have quoted these scriptures on this particular point because I know that forgiveness has grave consequences which could affect our lives, even as born again Christians.
We shall end this ministration for this week, with a list of model men and women in the Bible that believers could emulate, whether they are single or married.
These people are, by no means perfect, and I want to emphasize this point. But, I admonish us to emulate their positive traits, not the negatives. However, despite their weaknesses, God still used them to achieve his divine purpose for their lives.
So, we must learn to tolerate and accommodate the weaknesses of our spouses, pray for them, and use their positive traits to accomplish the goal of successful marriage that we all desire.
E: SECTION 5
MODEL HUSBANDS AND WIVES IN THE BIBLE
The men and women listed here are recommended to be your inspiration, not that they should be sought after or studied as perfect models of marriage partners.
This point cannot be overstated. Some were never married, or the Bible narratives about them did not reveal their marital status or challenges, if ever they were married. So, that clearly understood, I hope, we can look at the models now, not in order of ratings, please. Also, under their names, I will write the key Bible references about them for you to check.
1: Abraham
It is not for nothing that Abraham is called the father of our faith. He lived with his kindred when God called him out and asked him to leave his father’s house, and go to a place God was taking him.
Abraham obeyed God without saying a word or asking questions based on doubt. The Bible says, because Abraham believed God, it was credited to him as righteousness. Read the story yourself in the reference below. My concern about his life is that, he believed God, not the imperfections in his character.
Here is the big one, Abraham offered his son, Isaac for sacrifice when God tested him, even though a substitute lamb was offered in the place of the son at the nick of time, God was convinced beyond reasonable doubt, that Abraham is indeed, a righteous man, because he was to sacrifice his son as God commanded before he was stopped.
Ref: Gen 12–Gen 22, read all to the end.
2: Abel
The second son of Adam, Abel didn’t live long, but the singular act of giving God the ‘firstlings of his flock, and the fat thereof’, won him the respect of Almighty God.
Marry a man whom God could respect because, he is willing to give God his best offerings, just like Solomon, who offered God a thousand ram sacrifices.
That’s the lesson here. For Abel’s brief mention, read the reference in: Gen 4:1–15.
3: Noah
This man Noah, found favour in the sight of God. Why? He lived at a time when the wickedness of men filled the earth; this was during the antediluvian age.
God decided to destroy the earth with a flood at a time when rain never fell on earth. The plants were watered by the dew of heaven, whilst men drank water from wells, rivers and streams. Yet, when God directed Noah to build an ark wherein he and his family, and the animals would be when the flood starts, he obeyed without questioning, even when nobody ever heard of rain at the time.
So, like father Abraham, Noah was a righteous man because of his obedience. Please take note, he wasn’t a perfect man in the flesh, but righteous in the spirit because of obedience. So, look for a suitor like this. Alright? As you would see in his story, Noah got drunk and slept naked.
We cannot justify this bad behaviour from a man of his caliber. Yet, God used him. Just embrace his positive traits, that’s all that matters. Your husband can’t be perfect, you are not perfect either.
References: Gen 6–Gen 9. Read all through.
4: Joseph
He was called Joseph the dreamer because he had a gift of dreams and the interpretation of dreams. The aspect I want to point out here is his faithfulness to his master. Portiphar was Joseph’s master in Egypt. His wife tried to seduce Joseph, but he resisted the temptation and was imprisoned because of the woman’s blackmail. But God is faithful.
It was in prison that his gift announced him to Pharaoh for whom he interpreted a dream, which prompted the King to make Joseph the Prime minister. Look at that! Imagine, if Joseph had compromised his integrity and slept with Portiphar’s wayward wife, the Jewish slave boy wouldn’t have been so exalted as he later became in Egypt. Joseph taught us the virtue of fidelity, even as a single in a strange land.
References: Gen 39, 40, 41, 42.
5: Moses
The story of Moses, a stutteres, gives us hope that even abandoned children can be used by God to achieve his purpose.
Moses was found by the river bank by Pharaoh’s daughter who then adopted him. Long story short, growing up in the court of the Egyptian king, he knew his roots and never abandoned it for the spoils of good life as a prince.
In his ill-tempered nature, he killed an Egyptian. Fleeing from the court because of this, destiny still made him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, from the bondage of Pharaoh, despite all of the known weaknesses of Moses. He gave the Law to Israel, led them out of Egyptian bondage and ruled them in the wilderness. This is amazing, isn’t it?
He was hot tempered, a polygamist, murderer and all that, but God used him mightily to achieve his purpose.
References: Exodus 2–Exodus 8. Read all the chapters.
6: Paul
A repentant persecutor of Christians, Paul was single as far as we know about him, but he wrote about two-thirds of the New Testament and gave us the greatest revelation of Christ, especially after the resurrection, and ascension to heaven.
The Pauline Epistles form the basis of the New Testament. He was temperamental, overzealous, aggressive, was at the killing of Stephen and all that, but his influence on Christianity is truly legendary. What Paul taught us with his life and devotion to God is that, you don’t have to be married to work for God. You may choose to be single for God’s total use. It’s your choice and God will honour it.
References: Romans to all the Epistles down to Philemon.
7: The 12 Disciples
These men were all used mightily to spread the word of God around the world. Despite their low education, lowly background, poor job status, character flaws, etc, God still was able to use them all. Most of them were married.
8: Mary
This Mary is the earthly mother of Jesus. She found favour with God because of her chastity, her virginity, we’re not told why. This is great lesson for women today. To be used of God, you need purity. Of course, God can still use a prostitute like Rahab for his purpose, but that’s not the ideal.
Priscilla and Acquilla, her husband, were a faithful couple God used in the Bible. From the Old Testament to the New, we see examples of people that are models of loyalty, faithfulness, righteousness, love, devotion to God and spouses, that couples today could draw inspiration from.
We cannot finish talking about them in one sermon. I implore you to read carefully, through the Bible to see for yourself, the exploits in righteousness of men and women like Sarah, Deborah, Mary Magdalene, Ruth, Rebecca, Lois, Bathsheba, Abigail, Jonathan, and all of those listed in the famous Hebrews 11 scriptures, etc.
Emulate their positive traits and study their work, conduct and everything you need to learn about men and women in and out of marriage, and I guarantee you this; you will be richly blessed.
Thank God we’re able to come to the end of these series, Counting the Cost, as it pertains to marriage. I hope you have been blessed? I encourage you to read the Bible diligently yourself. This is how to increase your faith and grow in Christ. God bless you.
Ladi Ayodeji is an author, minister of the Gospel, counselor, and speaker.
He can be reached on (09059243994 WhatsApp only). If you wish to support my ministry, I can send you my bank account details on request.