Relationship and Love with Tope Abiara
About 13 years ago, I was privileged to counsel a very beautiful woman of 60 years old; it is rare to have such a beauty at that advanced age. She was a divorcee, doing well for herself.
She was deeply in love with a man who was a widower and just 2 years older than her. She was very much in love with him but the feeling wasn’t mutual. She was ready to do anything for him in the name of love. She did everything to please him.
The man led her on, there wasn’t really any solid definition about their relationship but he truly acted the part of being her partner, to the extent of moving to her neighborhood; he actually moved to the house adjacent to hers.
My client put in a lot of efforts to make the relationship work, she would cook for him, cater for him, assist him financially as the need arose. The man, on his part, was off and on. He would show great love and care to her one week, while he would stay completely to himself the following week. The man was acting like that of acquaintance; it was very confusing for the lady.
My 60-year-old client would cry and cry during counseling, wondering what else to do to win his heart completely. She had been selfless with him in their undefined relationship and she was willing to love him unconditionally. She dreamt of their wedding day, her wedding outfit, the venue, etc. Then came an unbelievable shock. She got home one day and met another woman in his house; the man’s new girlfriend. She was dumbfounded, she couldn’t ask any question.
The new woman started to frequent the man’s house, she would see her coming and going, staying and sleeping over at this man’s house (remember they were neighbors); my client was devastated but guess what, the man didn’t attempt to offer her any explanation, I don’t think he believed he owed her any explanation, I believed he felt she should just move on, which was hard for my client because she really had put everything into the relationship; her heart was in too deep.
My client felt betrayed and used. Her cries were endless, she couldn’t be consoled; I felt helpless, I was only able to hold back my tears because the ethics of my profession as a counsellor would not permit me to betray any emotion. But she cried profusely. She asked me where she had gone wrong, she wanted to know, so she could avoid such in the future. I didn’t see her fault, well maybe she could have asked for a definite definition of their relationship.
It was at that point, though early in my professional career, that I learned that “love has no age barrier, it cuts across all ages; when you fall in love, you become a giggling teenager no matter how old you are. It sparks a youthful life in you. Love is definitely beautiful but if the person you love, does not love you in return, it is far from beautiful. Please stop forcing it, especially with Valentine’s Day approaching.
Love is not enforced. It comes naturally. If you enforce love, you will spend the better part of your life wishing to be loved, stop chasing shadows, stop making excuses for that man, or that woman when it’s so obvious that you’ve given your heart to someone who doesn’t appreciate it; leave him/her alone, it may seem difficult right now but it would be the best decision you will ever make. Being single will save you a thousand times more stress than being with the wrong person. The wrong person will not bring out the bright light of life within you, rather your partner may dim the light.
My client later met another man, who cared deeply for and adored her; he was very loving to her. I was a guest at their beautiful wedding.
Remember, there’s somebody who would do anything to make you happy. That’s the person who’s worth your love, worth your heart and your selflessness and please, make sure your relationship is verbally defined. If there is no emotional and spiritual agreement between two people, no matter how one of them tries, the relationship will not work. The Bible puts it correctly in Amos 3v3: Can two work together except they agree? It is time for you to define that relationship
Tope Abiara, a professional marriage & family counselor, an inspirational and international speaker, a relationship expert with more than 17yrs of experience. She is the Anchor of the popular radio program, “Love Clinic With Tope Abiara” and the convener of the famous Annual Couples’ Christmas GALA.
She is the President of Tope Abiara’s Love & Family Foundation, an organization committed to promoting healthy personal and family relationships and educating parents on protecting their children from Child Sexual Abuse. Her mission is to assist families and couples in building stronger relationships and transforming life’s challenges into opportunities for healthy emotional, personal and professional growth and development.
She has appeared on several radio and TV programs and organized seminars on relationships, Child Sexual Abuse, late marriage, and marital life. She has a deep passion for humanity; she has a Mentorship program for single young ladies, called “Exemplary Ladies” with a focus on self-esteem, relationships, sexuality, career-choice, working on and achieving their goals and dreams. She also has a program that caters to Widows.
Tope Abiara holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Georgia State University, a Master’s Degree in Counseling from Liberty University in Virginia, and Child Protection Certification from Harvard University. Her vast working experience has spanned various organizations in the counseling industry in the United States, where she grew up.
Tope Abiara is the Vice Chairman of Oyo State’s Community Chest Council, a body of all the NGOs in the State.
HER MISSION:
To assist individuals, families, and couples in building stronger relationships and transforming life’s challenges into opportunities for healthy emotional, personal and professional growth and development.
DRIVING PRINCIPLES:
➢ All individuals are worthy and deserving of respect.➢ All individuals possess unique strengths and can be empowered to develop their potential.
➢ Children deserve the most supportive environment possible in which to grow.
➢ The family is the source of individual strength and healthy communities.
She is happily married to Pastor Elijah Abiara, the son of popular renowned preacher, Prophet S. K. Abiara, and they are blessed with children.
She writes on family and relationship issues for Church Times Nigeria