Divorce is death in a way-Tolu Odukoya, explains her decision to leave her husband

Toluwani, daughter of Pastor Taiwo and Bimbo Odukoya, who clocked 40 recently, shared her story with Fountain of Life’s in-house online Television called Truth Table. She tells the story of her marriage of over a decade to Olumide Ijogun and how she separated from him. Blessed with three children, Toluwani is an Associate Pastor at the Fountain of Life Church. Below is an excerpt from the interview as transcribed by Church Times

Kindly tell us the story of your growing up?

I was born at number 12, Oyatogun Road, Ogba. It was a big compound with a garden. My grandfather used to have a room where he stayed whenever he came from Kaduna to see us. My earliest memory was when my younger brother was born. I also remember my grandfather used to feed me with eko (cornmeal).  That is why I never liked that food till today. My father worked with NNPC. He had this brown briefcase. I remember him always going to work and coming back. When I needed to take medication, I remember my father always had this cake icing in his bag. He liked it a lot. He would bring it out for me to eat when I needed to take medication. My mum was a hands-on person. I remember always jumping around the house on couches with my brother and eating fried meat. My earliest memories were really lovely. I grew up in love.

What about your early schooling days?

I went to Starland Private School at Acme Road, Ikeja, by the Adefarasins’ House. I remember Pastor Chris Okotie used to take me to school sometimes because my parents used to go to Household of God Church, founded by Pastor Chris. I used to go to the Adefarasins’ house with a couple of my friends. I would dress up and sing. It was a good childhood. It was warm. It was love.

Growing up, did you imagine you would be a pastor?

My parents became pastors when I was 7 years old. My younger brother, Pastor Jimmy Odukoya, was 5, and Tolu was 2 then. I kept hearing Fountain of Life in the House. I remember we got to this particular building, and everybody was gathered. And they asked my siblings and me to go to the children’s church.

People were calling me the pastor’s daughter. I did not get the full import of that. Did I think I would be a pastor? There were times I would stare at the mirror and look at the person I was seeing in the mirror, and I would say the person I was seeing is not me. It was like I was inside that person. I would stare for hours. I knew there was something about me.

My parents would always say I would preach. And used to wonder at that statement. But the more I realised the selflessness in being a pastor, I knew I was not cut out to be one because I realised I was too selfish to be one. I tell myself the truth. You can lie to everybody.  But you can’t lie to yourself. I saw the selflessness that comes with being a pastor, the love for people and the sacrifice. I knew I could not fit into that billing.

But then my mum used to tell us stories about how she prayed that God would use her in her younger days. I remember going to pray as well at the gallery of the church that God would use me. Looking back, I think I was just saying those words. I did not understand the gravity of what I was praying for. 

As time went on, my dad ordained me in absentia. I was not in church when he ordained me. But there was a buildup to that. I had told my dad, I loved God and loved Christianity. I had come to a point where I had to decide what I wanted for myself. I am not a Christian because my parents were pastors. I must be convicted. I am not a bandwagon person. If I am doing something, I have to believe in what I am doing. I had to go on my own God journey. I got to that point. And I told my dad not to make me a pastor. I pleaded with him and said I was ready to serve God, but I don’t want the weight of being a pastor. And my dad said ok.

But then, in 2017 by then we were running two services. I was not in church for the first service. I was on my way to the church for the second service, and I got a message from someone saying Congratulations, Pastor Tolu. And I thought it was a message sent to the wrong person. There were so many people bearing Tolu. So, I did not take the message seriously. When I got to church, more people were congratulating me. I was wondering what is going on. And people were addressing me as ma. And they told me my dad ordained me as a pastor. That was unheard of.  How could he have ordained me in absentia?

I went to meet him, asked why, and he said he concluded that it was time for me to be ordained. Being the first child, I felt that once you are given something to do, I had a responsibility to do it. As soon as I accepted in my heart to take up the challenge, something changed. I was not the same again after that day.

Your parents had so much influence on many people. Tell us about the influence they had on you.

Growing up, I was close to my mother. She was a big Jesus fan. I grew up seeing my parents pray around us. I grew up seeing that. I remember they influenced us greatly. We were not forced to serve God. But there was a very informal way of training us and making us see the reality of the love of God. They informally taught us the word of God. Home was a haven for me. But the church was something else because of the expectations of people. Home was where I could be myself. But above everything else, the lives of my parents told the story of the love of God to us. They loved God.

My dad was an avid reader. He was always reading books. Christian messages were on in our house 24/7. The television was permanently on Trinity Broadcasting Network. Our atmosphere was surrounded by God. I did not know how much I had got into my spirit until I left home. What stood out was their dedication to God and to people. That really used to blow my mind. They took church, people and God so seriously. I grew up in a home where marriage worked. If I did not grow up in such a home, I wouldn’t be for marriage. My parents were true friends and lovers. Their lives as individuals in the church and their devotion to God were a great influence. I had examples of what it means to be a Christian.

Who are the other people who played a huge role in your life

Anybody I would mention will be after my parents because the kind of person I am, I am a one-way straight person. My dad taught me about pregnancy, breastfeeding and taking care of children. By the time I got pregnant, he told me what I would do using the example of my mother. There was nothing I could not discuss with him. My dad was a mothering father. He mothered me and fathered me. Funny enough, before my mother passed, my mother would tell me my father was a nice person, and I would say Mummy, I beg. I did not agree.

But when my mother died, he became my best friend. I would talk to him about everything. There was nothing I could not discuss with him, even sex. My parents were my mentors. But I also look up to Pastor Ibukun Awosika. I worked for many years before I became an Associate Pastor. She gave me the grace to do well and rise in the corporate sector. She is one woman I really admire. She is a woman of many parts. I look up to her, and she guides me. Bishop Mike Okonkwo and his wife, Mummy Peace, Daddy and Mummy Adeboye, and Uncle Kunle Areogun are people I also look to. Uncle Areogun was quite close to my dad. His wisdom was top-notch. These are people who have excelled in their secular pursuits, and they are still devoted to God.

How would you describe your life when you were in your 20s, going to 30?

That was when I had just left Nigeria. You know if a dog is in a cage and you open the door of the cage, the dog feels this air of freedom. When Pastor Jimmy Odukoya was here, he was the one going clubbing and all that. When he came to America, he had become born again. But that was when I was outside. Like I said, I knew I needed to find God for myself. I wanted to enjoy myself. But I used to enjoy myself with a sense. I knew how far was far. I knew my boundary. At the same time, I like to go partying and clubbing. I was a designated driver, driving my friends everywhere. I was enjoying myself.

I was in a Christian university where they were forcing Christianity on us.. We’ve got to go chapel. In my third year in university, I had conversations with my mum. It was like her spirit knew she was going to transit. She was telling me things like she was going. When she died, it was a defining moment for me. Her death made me realise I knew of God, but I did not know God.

I discovered that one could speak in tongues, fall under the anointing, but not know God. At that time, my Christianity was tested. I started asking questions. That was when I began to know God in the real sense of the word.  That whole experience shaped my life. I moved back home and was with my dad. And I was watching him. It’s one thing to talk the talk and another to walk the talk when everything is down, when the love of your life has gone.

I watched my dad. I watched him in those times. His life in those times made me a Christian. If you are in the car with somebody driving you will go to where the driver is going. That was my experience with my dad. We watched him navigate the toughest season of his life. At that time, it was God who needed to hold his mind, his spirit and his body together. I saw how he was coping.

My dad slept on the floor for five years. He could not sleep on the bed till he got married again. He grieved. But he grieved in grace. He grieved in God. He held unto the holy ghost. I was there. And that is what has built my faith. People say they love the way I sing. The reason is, I sing from a place of knowledge of who God is in the good and in the bad because he does not change. Circumstances don’t change him, and that is what my Christianity is born out of. It is not born out of peaceful, candy-halal Christianity. It’s the highs and lows. That really shaped my Christianity and my faith in Christ. Working with my dad made me understand how to manage people. It also made me understand people’s strengths and weaknesses. My understanding of who Jesus is comes from my relationship with my earthly father. So I can relate to him as a father.

What have been those defining moments for you in life?

In the last ten years, I have been separated. Many don’t know I am separated. That experience has really defined my life. It was circumstances beyond my control. Sometimes you do not get into marriage to leave a marriage. When your marriage is over, it’s a death in a way. I would say in the last ten years, I have experienced a couple of deaths. The death of my marriage, the death of my parents, my step mum and my dad’s twin sister. My ex-husband is a great man. But I just feel that if God does not ordain two people to be together, and they force themselves, the likelihood of staying together is slim.

I am a good person and probably not good for him, vice versa. To see all that coming to an end shaped my heart. That happened in 2021. My dad was very broken by that. Everybody else died because of sickness. When people die of sickness, you see them deteriorate. But my mother passed suddenly. But when people are ill, you watch them deteriorate. Sometimes we pray and we believe because we have prayed that God must answer. But God does answer. It might just be that it is not the answer you are looking for.

All those moments defined me. It got to a point where I began to ask, why am I serving God. Do I serve God because he can do all things and give all things to us? Or serve him because he first gave his all for me. My life has not been an easy one. It has not gone the way I planned. I could see where my life was going to go, but what I am experiencing now, I did not see it. I tell God every day I am in your hands o. When you are not in a marriage anymore you don’t want to put yourself on the centre stage. You don’t want to come and say I am an associate pastor. You want to go and hide under a rock. I thought I should just figure out my life. But when the call came, I told God, you know all the wahala. But if you call me to serve, I would trust you enough to walk on water. What I have done is to walk on water. I have decided to keep my eyes on Jesus.

What role would you say your family played in all these?

God has blessed me with a great family. God is very intentional. He gave me outspoken siblings. They speak their minds. They were there to defend me regardless. My dad fought for me. My family encouraged me. Sometimes one may not want to make certain decisions because of what the world would say. But I don’t believe in that. When it was not working, I had to go back home and figure things out. That encouragement from my family added to my self-esteem.. I never thought this would happen to me. My mother preached marriage. My father, too.

There is a temptation to want to stay out and create a facade of a working marriage. It took me a while. But I realised that I should not die in a place because of what people will say. People will talk and move on. Mistakes happen. Man of God, woman of God, we still make mistakes. But we try to lean on Jesus and minimise our mistakes. My family covered me. I love the institution of marriage. Am I going to marry again? I do not know. That is God to decide. But is marriage good? Yes, it is good. It is amazing. And that is why the devil is attacking marriages. Marriage is beautiful, and it is God’s idea. And people who have good marriages should start speaking out more because the narrative out there is not good. I have seen amazing marriages.

How does it feel turning 40?

This milestone has made me think of my parents. I would have loved them to be around. I was crying the other time, not because I lost my parents, but because of the love of Jesus for me. The Holy Spirit has chased me as a babe. The love of Jesus has been so overwhelming. It is humbling to serve God. I thank God for my children and brothers, and sisters. I choose to give God thanks for everything. I feel I just woke up. The experiences I have had have made me see life better. I don’t know what the next 40 holds. But I have God.

What legacy would you love to leave behind?

God is not looking for perfect vessels. He is looking for available people. He is the one who will make the vessels perfect. For a long time, I had felt I was not qualified enough. Back in the day, I would not pray publicly because I felt faith was a private thing. But one day came the holy spirit, told me .self Self-preservation and self-pity are still pride. When it comes to self, it’s still about you. But he wants you to make yourself available, because you are just what God needs. He is the one who will perfect all that concerns you. He needs you to win souls for him. He would not come down to do that.